A heart ache and a smile fades
by AbigailJane
Summary: After the code black accident Mer is having a hard time dealing with the fact that people died when she handed the bomb over.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's anatomy I only dream I do.

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She stared ahead of her. She walked without realizing anything she was really doing. People were talking and pointing at her, whispering. Words came back to her like Bomb and Dead and Sad. Once she heard pathetic. That's what she was pathetic. She was walking without looking and bumped into Dr.Baily. "What the hell is Grey doing here?" She asked Alex and Izzie. They were silent not knowing what to say. "Dr. Grey you are supposed to be home and resting!" Baily ordered her. Meredith finally realized who was talking and looked at her. "Grey?" Baily asked sort of shaken by the look Meredith had given her. It was a blank look as if she wasn't even in her body. When Meredith didn't answer Baily got worried. "Meredith? Meredith are you okay?" Meredith silently took of towards the elevator Baily and the other interns following. "Meredith don't push that button!" But it was to late the elevator took of. Baily shook her head in disbelief. Where was the happy young woman that had first walked into this hospital. The one showing promises of becoming a great surgeon. Where was that women whose smile could light up the night sky? The elevator door opened and meredith stepped out into the hallway she had been yesterday. Everything looked like it had before the bomb. Before she had her life altering experience. She walked down the isle and looked around. Baily was worried, really worried now. Izzie and Alex looked as if they were both going to break down crying right then and there. "Meredith Grey do not go in that room!" Baily shouted out as Meredith got closer to the exam room where she had had her hand on the ammunition. She couldn't help but cringe when she saw a little bit of pink at the corner of the hallway. She pushed Baily out of her way and went into that room. Once inside she sat down and all those unshed tears were let lose. "I killed him. I handed him the bomb. I killed the man and saved myself I am a coward. I hate myself I hate myself!" Meredith said curling up into a ball. She heard voices outside and wept harder she recognized them as Derek and Addison. Baily sighed got up and looked out the door. Derek was heading into this room. She stepped out to face him. "Oh do not even think about going in this room." She told him. "Dr. Baily, he said, "I just need to get some supplies what are you hiding in there?" He said looking at the flustered Baily. "He reached out for the door and she slapped his hand. "Dr. Baily I am your boss, do you not remember that?" And with that he pulled open the door. His eyes flew across the room and landed on the heap in the center of it. "Oh Mer." He said as he walked across the room and stroked her back. "I killed him, I killed him, I killed him." She said over and over. "Meredith, you didn't kill him." he told her with unshed tears in his eyes. "You, Meredith Grey, are the bravest person I have ever met." He said in a whisper so only she could hear.

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Corny I know but tell me if you liked it...


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith walked into the locker room the next day. She heard someone talking about her "Break down." I really am pathetic, she thought. She looked around and no one else was there. Sighing she leaned her head against the locker. How could her life get so messed up? It went from perfect to dirty ex-misstress bomb whore. She slid down to the floor and held her head in her hands. She didn't cry. She had already cried all she could. She shook her head and stood back up. Opening her locker she changed and walked outside to start her pre rounds.

"Ms. Herris, how are we this morning?" Meredith asked as she walked into room 192.

"My back still hurts." The patient explained as Meredith checked her vitals. "all right well, you have a ct scheduled for eight so I'll see you then. Dr Shepherd will stop by to see you in a little while for a consult." Meredith said as the patient just acknowledged her explanation.

Meredith sighed and walked down to go get labs for Dr. Burke.

Today was her first real day back. It was going well so far. Boring, but well. Excitement was something Meredith didn't need right now. "Meredith. How are you?" Derek asked stepping up beside her.

"You mean compared to yesterday when I broke down on my ex-boyfriends shoulder?"

He nodded.

"Fine, just fine. Living with the fact that I killed someone but you know, I'm fine." Meredith said with a hint of tears in her eyes. She looked away and headed for her next room.

"Meredith! Don't blame yourself for this. Don't you get that you saved so many other people?"

"That still doesn't take care of the fact that someone did in fact die!" Meredith said frustrated. She wiped the tears that had fallen down her cheeks and went into the patients room.

"Mere! You're back!" Izzie said surprised when she saw Meredith sitting down at the table with them.

"Yep."

"So any good surgeries?" Christina asked as she came and sat by them.

"I have a Cerebral Hematoma at nine." Meredith said sadly. The poor girl was only three and it was a difficult surgery. She was a sweet child, blonde curly hair, green eyes, sweet smile. Meredith fell in love with her the first time she saw her.

Her pager went off.

"Time to prep." Meredith said and got up.

"Dr.Grey, see you in surgery." Derek said as he stepped out of the little girls room.

"Hey lauren! We are gonna have fun today aren't we?" Meredith asked as she picked up the blonde child and wheeled her down to the or.

The surgery was a blur. It was going so well. Meredith had been watching and praying when all the sudden the monitor flat lined. Meredith was in shock. She watched as Derek shocked her heart and knew that he was trying the best he could. "Pressure rising." One of the nurses said as the heart started beating once again. Meredith didn't notice she was crying until she felt a tear drop from her face.

"Thank you God." Meredith whispered and walked out of the room.

"Meredith wait!" She heard Derek yell but didn't turn back. She walked into an on call room and collapsed on the bed. Almost instantly she fell asleep.


End file.
